Earlier this week in Redding, a northern California town, a call went out to local police to be on the lookout for one Sharon Kay Turman who was reported by Shasta County officials to be in violation of her probation. Spotting the 51 year old behind the wheel and attempting to pull her over, sparked a vehicular pursuit on local roads and highways with speeds exceeding 100 miles per hour. Police reported that Turman was weaving in and out of traffic, ran numerous red lights and stop signs, crossed into oncoming traffic and actually lost sight of her until a California Highway Patrol helicopter found her and alerted officers of her location. She then lost the "on ground" forces yet again who decided to break off the chase for safety reasons. The helicopter continued to follow her into the hills where she abandoned her vehicle, took off on foot into the woods, losing the helicopter and as of this writing is still at large. It has not been disclosed exactly how she violated her probation and police have very slim leads as to her whereabouts.
Pretty impressive pursuit evading skills for a 51 year old shoplifter and petty thief, wouldn't you say? Even more so when we learn that she did it in a 1994 Chrysler Town and Country minivan painted like..... wait for it..... The Mystery Machine! Jinkies!, my fellow Observers, It's the Cops! Yes, that's right.... the aqua blue, flower power ridden, animated van from Scooby Doo, Where Are You?, if you don't mind me dating myself too much, and it seems that Ms. Turman did a better job of driving it than Fred ever could. Maybe he should lose the ascot. Now, along with that tiny smirk on your face or maybe even that little chuckle you may be experiencing, your probably asking yourself, as I did, just how a 1994 Chrysler minivan could even reach speeds in excess of 100 mph and handle a pursuit against half the local police force and the California Highway Patrol (where was John and Ponch, anyway?), let alone lose them. That's a mystery in itself as, along with being funny as hell. The cartoon representation is just the icing on the "World's Wildest Police Chases" cake. The only ones who are not amused are the Redding police who, through Corporal Levi Solada, warn us not to "get caught up in the cartoon because it's serious business". Well, for them maybe.... the rest of us though....not so much. They are also asking anyone with information about Turman to please come forward. Word has it that Quick Draw McGraw and Baba Looey turned down the case, however Deputy Dawg and Ricochet Rabbit (bing, bing, biiinnnggg!!!!) have offered their services. The rumor that Scooby Snacks were involved has been neither confirmed or denied, but I think that Dastardly and Muttley might have been a bad influence on her. Zoinks!!!! I have to stop.....but it's so easy to keep going! I wonder if Klondike Kat or Underdog could lend the police a hand? Think about how far she could have made it if she was driving Speed Buggy instead. Ok....Ok...I know....
All Saturday morning kidding aside, in another over 100 mph chase this week in Pinal county Arizona, dash camera footage shows two suspects tossing marijuana bales (not bags or bricks.... bales!) from their Trailblazer at the police who were chasing them in an attempt to ditch the evidence. It doesn't take a criminal mastermind to realize that this course of action wasn't going to work on a miles long straight highway, in the desert, in the middle of the day, in the middle of nowhere, with barely any other traffic, in front of a dash camera to the tune of 374 pounds of Mary Jane bouncing down the pavement. A set of spike strips stopped the pursuit and ended up leading authorities to a central stash house in Mesa, Arizona. I guess after they were apprehended, at least one of them got a case of Jabberjaw. (sorry.... couldn't resist just one more.... for now.)
Reading these stories flashing across my news feed made me question why nothing like this never seems to happen around where I live. Where's my Mystery Machine or General Lee high speed chase? Hell... I'd even settle for Herbie or one of the Wacky Racers barreling down Route 6 with our local PD in hot pursuit. What about my bale of hooch being thrown at Woodbury cops on my local streets. Is that too much to ask, for crying out loud? I mean, stuff like this is not that uncommon, you know. It happens every day. Just a little while ago Geoff Gaylord barged into a Jacksonville Florida sheriffs office and confessed that he stabbed his friend of seven years repeatedly, cut his body up with a hatchet and buried him in his backyard, demanded they arrest him immediately and be given the death penalty. He identified his "friend" as Mr. Happy and tried to justify his actions by claiming that he was pushed into the crime due to Mr. Happy never cleaning up his empty vodka bottles and cocaine baggies, trashing his apartment and a drunk driving incident where Happy totaled his car and left Gaylord to take the blame. Gaylord cites the combined happenings put him over the edge and left him no recourse but to murder Happy. Turns out, if you haven't picked up on it yet, my loyal reader, Mr. Happy is (was) imaginary just as much as he was deceased. Not having any evidence against Gaylord, police were about to let him go until he threatened police for not giving him the needle. Then he was arrested for breach of peace and threatening violence towards police officers. I guess things like this can happen even between the best of friends.
Then there was Art Price who was arrested after a witness Observed him performing a sexual act to a picnic table. Running his name through the system police learned that this was his fifth time accosting patio furnishings. Best be careful at those Home Depot home and garden displays.
Not to be outdone by Price, 60 year old Velle Dills was recently arrested for performing a sexual act to a street sign. The arrest prompted a search of his home that yielded a "large amount" of video tapes depicting Dills having sex with several traffic signs. He was charged with burglary, unlawful occupancy and 6 counts of public indecency. There has been no word from authorities if he acquired any other moving violations other than pelvic.
It even happens overseas. In Recklinghausen, Germany, Dieter Braun was detained and charged with causing a public nuisance in a forest park for running around naked screaming at trees because his marriage counselor advised him to practice something relaxing. I guess Pine-Sol just wasn't enough for this guy.
We can't escape it on daytime reality TV either. A popular "Dr." show episode focused on a man by the name of "Wade" who's wife suspected that he was a compulsive liar. That was the first show that caused a need for a second show where Wade admitted to a laundry list of affairs that led then to multiple rapes and murders of said mistresses. Supposedly, after the first taping, Wade told his wife he had memories of raping his ex-wife, a co-worker as well as attempting to rape a hitchhiker, but ending up killing her instead. Between the local and FBI investigations, death threats, stalkings, and suicide attempts by most of the parties involved, the show was extended for two more episodes to go through all the where's, when's, why's, how's and never happened's (except in Wade's "head"). I guess the "Dr." needed time to analyze a way around his first diagnosis that Wade only "fibbed about little inconsequential things". Maybe Wade needs a second opinion.
It just goes to show you, when it comes to crazy, you need look no further than your own back yard. Forget about the terrorists and immigrants we all seem so worried about, which, by the way, is a matter of semantics since we're all immigrants, unless your real name is Kicking Bird and you own a casino up north. Your odds of being taken out by a guy two doors down are better than you meeting your maker at the hands of Jihad Jim, Al Qaeda Andy or Wally Wetback. Going back to my earlier complaint about why nothing insane ever happens around my town, I had forgotten that it already recently had.... sort of. This past Monday a local gentleman drove his Subaru through the woods of our backyard, jumped the embankment, rolled down a steep incline leading to a field that he drove through to get to a neighboring corn field, where he then ran a few laps. All this was done after he was Observed driving behind the buildings of a housing complex across the street, crossing Route 6, through the antique shop's backyard to get to our wood line. These incidents took place about 20 minutes before my daughter got off her elementary school bus with about 15 other students. The Subaru ended up stuck so far into the woods behind our high school that the tow truck called to the scene didn't have a winch cable long enough to pull it out. The suspect himself had climbed 30 feet up into a tree by his car and was screaming for help because someone was chasing him. I guess I should be careful what I wish for... although this incident wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I wished upon a nutter.
The truth of the matter is that we are surrounded by insanity be it from foreigners or citizens. As a matter of fact, I believe a perfect example of that theory has just moved in next door to us. I will be the first to admit that we are all a little touched in the head to a certain extent, but most of us are rooted in a reality that some will never experience. To them, we're crazy... they're just fine...what's your problem, buddy? and the rest of us have to suffer the results they create by their actions. As rational individuals we will never comprehend exactly why these people do what they do. We can't understand it and probably shouldn't try to. What we do have to understand is that they exist, they're not going anywhere, anytime soon and the best we can do is to stay out of their way. Strictly an Observation. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to price Chryslers and Subarus.
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